How To Overcome The Urge to Be Impulsive with Anger or Say Hurtful Things
You give your partner a pass or defend their bothersome behaviors, poor communication, or lack of listening even though you know that they are wrong. You rationalize that he/she is kind for putting up with your temper, and even believe deep-down that you are lucky to have them because nobody else would tolerate your irritability or temper. But, inside, you seethe with anger, and you feel guilty, ashamed, or desperate because you cannot prevent yourself from lashing out with mean words or even yelling when you get upset. At the same time, you rationalize your temper, saying to yourself that he or she is being careless or stupid. This rationalization for your anger is only making your anger worse, by the way.
You may very well have legitimate complaints about someone’s behavior, but when you lose your temper or say hurtful things, you lose your effectiveness to change the other person’s behavior. You may find yourself apologizing and defending yourself because you tried to address a long-standing problem but lost your temper while doing it. And now the issue becomes repairing the damage you have done. You have discredited yourself, and therefore you will not be able to make your point, even if you are the one who is right. The cycle will repeat itself.
The problem compounds on itself. More misbehaviors come about while none get resolved, and your impulsive anger gets worse, while your sense of self-control and hope for being able to remain calm dwindles. New behaviors will arise to push you over the edge, and old ones will remain to antagonize you. The relationship is in trouble.
What to do? Well, are you motivated to change? If your motivation is weak, then do not bother. You will need a lot of motivation and commitment to curtailing your anger if you are going to do it.
When I was staying in Southeast Asia for several months for an assignment, I found that few hotels had sufficient internet for my work needs. Through my research, I found the hotel with the best internet and settled there to work. The hotel was situated across the street from a private home which had guard dogs barking all night and a loud karaoke machine which they used every night. The laws of noise ordinance were not enforced, and I took it upon myself, very naively, to ask the owner to please keep the noise down. He was an older man, and began to yell at me that it was his home, and that he could make as much noise on his property as he wished. Instead of going to the hotel management or contacting the police, I proceeded to argue with the older man. The next day, I received a knock on my door from the hotel manager. He not-so-kindly warned me that if I persisted with my complaints, I would be asked to vacate the hotel.
As there were too few hotels with good internet speed, I resolved that I would never again react to the noise by showing my anger. This was a challenge for me because I hate noise when I am trying to work or relax in my room.
I was going to need to use methods to hold back my temper if I was going to defeat this problem in me. I was not going to simply redirect my attention, though I had ways of doing that, as well. I was not simply going to increase my relaxation activities, such as meditation and exercise. I needed something more surgically targeted at my impulsive anger. I drew up a list of ‘commandments’ and reaffirmed my need to stop myself from making any complaints.
This is what I came up with:
- Noise is welcomed in this part of the world
- I am a guest here
- Nobody wants to hurt me or tries
- Nobody can hurt me here
- Noise is not violence nor an attack
- I always have options if I am free
- Hardship is a part of life — using self-control is how I train my self-control
- Celebrate my self-control each time
- Remember, People and You make noise
- It’s ok to tell the hotel management or guard if there is a problem
- Blaming others makes my anger persist
I read it with every fiber of my being, with enthusiasm and devotion. I read it throughout the day. I kept it on an 8.5" x 11” sized piece of paper, and read it silently to myself if people were around me.
If you find you are losing your temper, you can do the same. Formulate the sentences (‘commandments’). Keep it at 10 items or under. Revise it as needed. Follow my prescription to read it often and seriously. Remind yourself of your motivation. What you have to gain by eliminating your outsized reaction. And, more importantly, what you have to lose by maintaining the angry outpouring.
Step 1: What behavior would you like to begin to stop responding angrily to?
Step 2: List all that you will lose if you continue along your path of disproportional anger, including negative health consequences, ineffectively addressing of issues, low self-esteem, desperation, the discomfort of anger, poor mood, losing people who are close to you, and maybe even losing opportunities or freedom (fines, imprisonment).
Step 3: Make your list of commandments
Step 4: Recruit and/or report to a friend or other encouraging 3rd party (therapist, etc.) to remark on your difficulties and progress with the process. Celebrate your self-control by acknowledging how amazing it is you were able to resist when you do and how you are becoming stronger.
I read this each morning. I read it with emphasis, as if it were my bible — as if it were Shakespeare.
Let’s use, for example, a complaint you might have in your relationship. You might get very frustrated about having to repeatedly inform your partner not to use your things without returning them to the original spot. Sure, this is frustrating, but does it merit your rage and/or do you want to sit all day with a bad mood because you invoked your anger? If the answer to either or both of these is ‘no,’ then it is time for you to take responsibility for your anger. Your partner may be acting carelessly or may be slow about learning, but if your reaction is to throw a fit or say hurtful things about their character, then you are the one who needs changing first. Now that you are motivated to change, go to the next step, #2.
What do you stand to lose by flying off the handle with insults or overblown criticisms? Does it promote the desired behavior from your partner? It is more likely that it makes them passive-aggressive toward you, as well as allows them to benefit from your loss of control and ensuing guilt or shame. Eventually, your partner may get tired of you, or you may even get tired of them because you have not seen any progress in them. But you can be sure that an aggressive style of communication is not going to help any. Moving on to #3.
What commandment could you make?
- Praising people for doing right is good; punishing them yields unpredictable, often passive-aggressive results
- I am a partner in an equal relationship, so it is wrong to put the other person down
- My partner is not trying to hurt me
- Taking up new habits slowly is not an attack on me and not personal
- As long as I am alive, I always have options to try new things
- Conflict is normal in a relationship; self-control is training
- Celebrate each time I use self control!
- Remember: I am also a slow or resistant learner sometimes
- It’s ok to talk to a disinterested third party, such as therapist or trusted friend about the annoying behavior
Remember, the more you give in to your impulsive anger, the stronger the urge gets. The only weapon against losing your temper and saying hurtful things is to practice using self-control. This tool will help. Start now!
